Monday, January 11, 2010

Skating on Thin Ice

I somehow was persuade to take two little girls skating tomorrow.  I have no idea how they managed to do it.   I'm pretty sure I wasn't drunk. They asked so sweetly I just couldn't refuse... if there is no post tomorrow, it's because I have broken my neck, or my wrists or my ass or something. I can't skate to save my life. I couldn't skate to save my kids life! I now have to try and skate while helping a 2 and a 4 year old as well. Oh my god, I can feel my bones snapping already.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Cow Patty

Look at that face! You would never guess she has a filthy addiction that she tries to hide. I hate to rat her out...  Lilo is addicted to cow patties. My dogs have a kennel. It's by the front door. Every time I let Lilo in from outside she races to her kennel. I assume... she's excited... she loves her bed.... she's a big dork. Whatever the reason, I never gave it much thought. I noticed about a week ago that she had started to chew her bed a bit. By Friday, it was chewed ALOT, and all the pieces were spread out so that the entire floor of the kennel was covered. There was a really rank smell coming from it. I decided the bed had seen its last day and pulled it out to throw it away. Underneath it was the most unbelievable site of my life. The entire bottom of the kennel was lined with cow patty chunks, that must have been snuck in in her mouth, frozen, and have since thawed out. She had been chewing her bed up to hide and bury her treasure, till she could go in there and snack in peace. I have no idea how long she has been hoarding cow shit, but there was quite a pile in there. I drug the kennel to the front door and heaved it, and the cow shit outside. She ran around trying to dig it all underneath her,  frantically gathering it up. We now have nightly kennel checks to make sure there is no further smuggling issues.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Luckily for me, Toby got money for Christmas from my Meemaw and Poppa. She finally had enough money to buy the one thing her heart has been longing for.... 

A hamster.

(yes I know, she has no shirt on and her hair isn't brushed, give me a break)

So, she has her hamster, she loves it to pieces, she feeds and waters it a million times a day, kisses it, has hours-long conversations  with it. Until... you guessed it! the disgusting rodent took a chomp at her. I heard a blood curdling scream from the basement. I looked at B.D. and said "how much you wanna bet Cheese-Baby  just bit her?"  Seconds later, Shooter carried the attack victim upstairs. She was too upset to walk. "I HATE Cheese-Baby!! WAAAAAAA-AHHHHHHHHH!! Feed it to the DO-OG!! It went on for at least 20 minutes. We managed to suppress the bleeding and get it cleaned out. Minutes later, she was back in love. Since then, it's bit every kid that stuck it's fingers anywhere near it. Really, who in their right mind went about catching these vicious little creatures, putting them in space-age little cages and selling them for a small fortune? Have you ever seen the teeth these things are sporting?

They are like a miniature grizzly bear! Worse probably if you put them in proportion to each other!
Today was cage cleaning day. There is no way in hell I am getting any where near those fangs. I picked him up with the salad tongs and quickly stuck him in his travel case before Toby seen me or she would be using every utensil I own to to torture the poor thing.

Friday, January 1, 2010