Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Vicious Cycle

7000 acres and they still use the living room, kitchen, and hallway as a racetrack. If I say, "stop running in the house" one more time I might just explode. Every time I turn around there are at least 3 kids and 2 dogs and sometimes a bike or two flying past me, hundred miles an hour. Screaming, screeching, giggling and barking crashing, smashing, crying, fighting, tattling...  But I love every minute of it!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


For some reason I can't comment on my own blog? Don't worry, I wasn't trying to third person myself or reveal a split personality, I was just trying to answer some comments I had! From strangers! From people other than my Mom and Auntie-from-Ontario! No offense, I love your comments too, but the fact that strangers stopped by and took the time to comment has made my week! So, I'm not being uppity now with my new stranger-commented-on blog status, I just cant answer, I think it's a dial-up issue... and since I AM NEVER MOVING AGAIN, there is just nothing I can do about that. So in answer to your comments...... The skating was survived with minimal injuries, we are going to try it again tomorrow. And yes! The hamster is very frigging scary! He has his own salad tongs now, so I don't have to bleach mine so much. They will come in handy for the hedgehog Ellie-May is saving up for. yay. Teeth AND quills.

Sleep Talker

Ever read the blog Sleep Talkin Man? I read it all the time. It's pretty funny. Mostly because my husband is also a sleep talker. He yells, laughs, swears, and occasionally throws punches.  A few weeks ago I heard him laughing so hard in his sleep, so I went down to see what was so funny, and he tells me to "check out the costco-lookin bitch in the corner". I started to laugh and asked him what he was talking about, and his answer was "gulbranson boobies".  A few days after that, I was laying in bed watching tv. He was sound asleep and had been for hours. I can tell by his obnoxiously loud breathing. I was laying flat on my back and he was laying on his side facing me. With out any warning at all, and faster than I could have ever imagined, he punched me right square between the eyes. Pasted me right in the glasses, driving them right into my eyeballs with such force I swear it turned my eyelids inside out. I yelled out in pain at the same time HE did as well! "What the hell are you doing?!" I yelled. "oh ow! something happened with your tooth or something!" he says. "You just punched my frigging lights out!" I screamed at him. He pats my head like a little dog and says "sor-ry" in a singsongy voice and is instantly sleeping again, if he even woke up in the first place. The next morning he had no recollection of anything. Or did he...? Tonight as I was writing this post, we again heard yelling from the bedroom so we snuck down to listen to him. " What the frick are you doing, CHAIR?! Ya those are my pipes, what are yours? Oh your laughing?! O really?!
Yes, we are laughing.. is it with you or at you?

Monday, February 1, 2010

You've Got Mail

Wow it works. I have been desperately trying to post for days and weeks. I had so much to say. So much to laugh about, funny shit was happening left and right. But the unfunny reality of life in the boonies has overwhelmed me. I had to get dial up internet. Yes, it does still exist. Who new?! I didn't know. I thought the entire world ran on high speed.  When we moved out here I was offered an internet stick. High speed service anywhere there is 3G. Only 30 bucks a month. Come on.... what do you have to lose? umm, only about $300 of hard earned money for one month of internet sticking. Seriously. They actually found it totally reasonable to charge me $300 for one month of service. I found it totally reasonable that I call them every swear word I ever learned, and even few that I made up on the fly. Those ones haunt me embarrassingly. So now I am condemned to relive 1998 when we got out first computer and were introduced to the wonderful world of rotten.com. oh! I meant email, Mom. Sorry. It was EMAIL! All we did was email. I did not show my 12 year old brother pictures of peoples brains smashed all over the pavement. Actually he showed me....
Anyways, I couldn't even remember how to work the archaic form of internet. I had to phone Telus and ask the,. "umm, plug the computer to the phone jack and hit connect. Well no, you can't talk on the phone at the same time."  So I hung up and hook up the phone cord to the computer. Then came the noise of signing on..  dialing... weeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeooooonnnnggggg tinga tinga..... I put on a rerun of friends, cooked up a chimichanga in the microwave, filled an extra large A&W mug with Tang, and felt 18 again.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Skating on Thin Ice

I somehow was persuade to take two little girls skating tomorrow.  I have no idea how they managed to do it.   I'm pretty sure I wasn't drunk. They asked so sweetly I just couldn't refuse... if there is no post tomorrow, it's because I have broken my neck, or my wrists or my ass or something. I can't skate to save my life. I couldn't skate to save my kids life! I now have to try and skate while helping a 2 and a 4 year old as well. Oh my god, I can feel my bones snapping already.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Cow Patty

Look at that face! You would never guess she has a filthy addiction that she tries to hide. I hate to rat her out...  Lilo is addicted to cow patties. My dogs have a kennel. It's by the front door. Every time I let Lilo in from outside she races to her kennel. I assume... she's excited... she loves her bed.... she's a big dork. Whatever the reason, I never gave it much thought. I noticed about a week ago that she had started to chew her bed a bit. By Friday, it was chewed ALOT, and all the pieces were spread out so that the entire floor of the kennel was covered. There was a really rank smell coming from it. I decided the bed had seen its last day and pulled it out to throw it away. Underneath it was the most unbelievable site of my life. The entire bottom of the kennel was lined with cow patty chunks, that must have been snuck in in her mouth, frozen, and have since thawed out. She had been chewing her bed up to hide and bury her treasure, till she could go in there and snack in peace. I have no idea how long she has been hoarding cow shit, but there was quite a pile in there. I drug the kennel to the front door and heaved it, and the cow shit outside. She ran around trying to dig it all underneath her,  frantically gathering it up. We now have nightly kennel checks to make sure there is no further smuggling issues.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Luckily for me, Toby got money for Christmas from my Meemaw and Poppa. She finally had enough money to buy the one thing her heart has been longing for.... 

A hamster.

(yes I know, she has no shirt on and her hair isn't brushed, give me a break)

So, she has her hamster, she loves it to pieces, she feeds and waters it a million times a day, kisses it, has hours-long conversations  with it. Until... you guessed it! the disgusting rodent took a chomp at her. I heard a blood curdling scream from the basement. I looked at B.D. and said "how much you wanna bet Cheese-Baby  just bit her?"  Seconds later, Shooter carried the attack victim upstairs. She was too upset to walk. "I HATE Cheese-Baby!! WAAAAAAA-AHHHHHHHHH!! Feed it to the DO-OG!! It went on for at least 20 minutes. We managed to suppress the bleeding and get it cleaned out. Minutes later, she was back in love. Since then, it's bit every kid that stuck it's fingers anywhere near it. Really, who in their right mind went about catching these vicious little creatures, putting them in space-age little cages and selling them for a small fortune? Have you ever seen the teeth these things are sporting?

They are like a miniature grizzly bear! Worse probably if you put them in proportion to each other!
Today was cage cleaning day. There is no way in hell I am getting any where near those fangs. I picked him up with the salad tongs and quickly stuck him in his travel case before Toby seen me or she would be using every utensil I own to to torture the poor thing.

Friday, January 1, 2010